Is Your Anger Destroying Everything? — Think Again

“Anger doesn’t solve anything. It builds nothing, but it can destroy everything.” — Thomas S. Monsan

I came across this quote very recently, and I must say, I TOTALLY agree. Any situation handled with anger will only lead to your loss.

Wikipedia defines Anger as an intense emotional state involving a strong uncomfortable and non-cooperative response to a perceived provocation, hurt, or threat.

We all experience bouts of anger at some point or the other. The degree varies, from profound annoyance to extreme rage.

Feeling angry and irritable in response to certain situations is normal and healthy. However, sometimes people experience uncontrollable anger that often escalates, particularly when the trigger is minor. Their heart rate increases, blood pressure elevates, and the body produces higher levels of adrenaline and noradrenaline.

According to a study conducted by The British Association of Anger Management, more than one in four people (28%) say that they worry about how angry they sometimes feel.

Let me elaborate on this and the types of anger with a few examples:

Passive Aggression

Imagine you were working on an assignment with your friend at high school. Due to a difference in opinion, you ended up quarreling. After the quarrel, you decide to do your part of the assignment without talking to your friend. You don’t want any confrontation and your response to the situation is maintaining silence.

Your friend texts you and calls you, but you don’t bother to respond. You are sulking and yet pretending like everything is just as it is supposed to be. You keep procrastinating and delay working on the assignment.

Passive aggression emerges from the need to be in power or control. Since your word (whether right or wrong) wasn’t accepted, you feel angry.

You know how you feel, and you respond in a passive or rather resigned way. You justify your behavior as a response to the situation and tell yourself that what you are doing is fine. But what is the outcome?

Teamwork requires coordination, understanding, and smooth communication. In its absence, the deliverable can never be high-quality.

When you arrive to submit your assignment, you realize that you and your friend have worked on the same portions.

Now, here’s the loss — You’ve ruined your assignment and your grades. You can’t blame your friend because she tried contacting you to make this easy. What’s worse, you’ve screwed up the grades of your friend as well. She can point a finger at you for the mistake you have committed.

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” — Buddha

Your desire to be a control freak puts you in a tight spot. And all this, because you couldn’t control your anger, you couldn’t reconcile, and you couldn’t put aside the effect of a simple quarrel.

Open Aggression

Imagine you and your spouse are having a conversation. You express your feelings, your suggestions, and they aren’t received in the way you expected. As a response, you justify the intent and the situation. And in the next moment, you lash out in anger and rage. Unknowingly, you become verbally or physically aggressive.

Open Aggression causes bickering, criticism, shouting, sarcasm, bullying, blackmailing, accusing, and more. It originates from the deep pain of being the scapegoat, a lack of trust/support, absence of appreciation/empathy, the feeling of being misjudged/misled and being taken for granted.

As you feel a sense of deep emotional worry, you continue to pick out all the negative aspects of your relationship. In that instance, all logic fails, justifications are nonsensical, your body temperature begins to rise, your hands move involuntarily, and you lose self-control.

The perfect and the best quote I’ve read to explain the after-effects of open aggression is:

“Speak when you are angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” — Ambrose Bierce

And that’s what exactly happens. Two hours later, you sit down for dinner, look at your spouse, and wish that the argument never happened. You settle into bed, and your spouse isn’t willing to share the blanket with you.

The rant of an enraged person is filled with statements that necessitate contrite apologies later.

Assertive Anger

Imagine you get home after a rough day. Your boss was irrational, you were stuck in traffic for more than an hour, and your phone’s battery died. You feel like the whole world is conspiring against you. You dump your laptop bag on the bed and need the phone charger, but you fail to find it. Hastily, you push out all the books from the bedstand, pick out things on the cabinet, open bedside drawers, trying to find the charger.

Your spouse worriedly asks you what is wrong? You are in the worst, agitated moods you can ever expect. However, you know how to deal with anger. You are in control of your thoughts and your words. You think before you speak and calmly tell your spouse that you’ve had a bad day. Then, you ask for the phone charger and share that you need to complete a presentation before dinner.

Your spouse immediately fetches the charger, prepares you a cup of hot coffee, and helps you complete your presentation. After you’ve completed the presentation, the two of you enjoy intimacy.

“Control your anger, don’t let your anger control you. If you are mad, don’t say anything you’ll regret later. If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say it. Calm down and then do whatever you have to do.”

Being patient, not raising your voice, sharing your emotional feelings, understanding how the person in front of you is feeling, and being flexible to hear the other one’s suggestions, even when you are angry, demonstrates that you are mature and you value your relationships.

What Causes Anger and Anger Problems?

The sources of anger vary from individual to individual. A situation that causes you to flare may not bother your friend. Some of the common triggers include:

1. memories of an enraging event or trauma, establishing a strong, difficult-to-change mindset.
2. an existing situation like a long queue at the grocery store, bad traffic making you late, or a car accident.
3. fears, inability to accept change, social discomfort
4. a problem caused by another person, such as not following your instructions, making it difficult for you to complete tasks, or canceling plans.
5. personal problems, such as being misjudged, relationship challenges, missing an opportunity, regrets.

Sometimes anger problems are a result of early trauma in a person’s life. This includes instances like losing a close family member, suffering heavy financial losses, child abuse, etc. These events have shaped the individual’s personality and every odd thing causes irritability. In a few cases, hormones also play a crucial role. Hormonal changes cause anger.

How Can You Manage Your Anger?

It is challenging to keep your temper in check. From my personal experience, I can share that as you age, your levels of tolerance and patience decrease. You are fighting many wars within your head, and you can’t adapt yourself to the changes in your environment.

However, anger has a strong effect on personal health. And therefore, it is vital to manage it. Here are some ways you can try to control your anger.

1. Identify the triggers: One of the first things in anger management is identifying what triggers your anger. When you know what triggers the reaction, you make your choices. You either choose to avoid the trigger, like taking the other route to circumvent traffic, or you prepare yourself to find a solution to the trigger. For instance, if your boss is a problem but you don’t want to change the company, you can wait for the right moment. Prepare a list of concerns and calmly express them to your boss. Be prepared to slow down, think about your responses to his inaccurate, heated reaction. Remember, you are trying to manage your anger, he isn’t.
2. Relaxation techniques: Deep breathing and visualization of relaxing scenes help. Breathe from your lungs and tell your mind to relax, take it easy. Remind yourself that you can do it and everything is fine.
3. Don’t hold a grudge: If you hold on to the situation, you will not only pile negative emotions in your heart but also move out positive feelings. You will remain swallowed up by your sense of injustice or bitterness. So, believe in the power of forgiveness. Forgive the person who angered you. That way, you will both learn from the situation and strengthen your relationship.
4. Use humor to ease-out: A little bit of humor can help release tension. A little tease, a smile, or a bit of wittiness can help you face what makes you angry. Avoid sarcasm though as that can go the wrong way.

There are many more ways of dealing with anger. I’m still exploring to understand which one works for me. But always know, your life counts. Each one of you has a mission of your own and can make a difference to the world.

“For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

So, work on yourself and if you’ve been able to manage your anger with a technique, please share it in the comments below.